A long long while ago, I started a blog. I went all out, too. I bought a domain (which I have maintained over the years) and I spent hours writing and rewriting...and rewriting...my first post. And, I made a commitment to myself that I would maintain that blog.
Then I wrote the second post and rewrote it and rewrote it again.
I don't think I ever got to the third post. The idea of writing out a thought and turning it into a post just seemed so...daunting to me.
The intention was there. I wanted to reconnect to this time and space where I loved to write and share that with others.
Except that was many years. Many years before I had kids and suffered a severe depressive breakdown and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and spent many years in therapy. I want to write because I love the idea of writing being therapeutic. But, I spend more time trying to just get to my thoughts that I write nothing. And, then, when I have something to say, I obsess over the perfection of it because I want it to come out a certain way and it just comes out so messy. And, most times, I'm just too tired.
So, I gave up. I renewed my domain every year thinking "I'll get back to it" And, then I listed my domain. I didn't want to give it up - but I didn't want to maintain the name anymore.
But, today, as I sat here working on a Sunday - on my day off - waiting for the thunderstorm that made me put off my gardening to actually start and listening to a song and feeling the need to cry and not knowing why I feel the need to cry but reasoning that I must be sad about something, I thought..."I wish I could write about it."
So, here I am. I'm writing about it.
Using the name of my old domain (bought it back in 2007) only to find out there is another blogger who uses the same name but started it back in 2012 and only wrote 3 posts. So, I was there first. I'm keeping the name.
I took my domain off the market, and here I am.
As I was writing the description for my blog, I thought "why is it so important to me that it's made public?" It's not that I want to be recognized in some way or even try to make money off this. That's not the point. It's because for so much of my life I felt that my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences were so unique that it was profoundly lonely being me and the weight of the world was profoundly heavy that I cracked. And, in cracking, I learned (and continue to learn) that there are so many others out there just like me but who still think they are truly alone. So, I can only hope that my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences will reach someone who needed to read the words for themselves and know that they are not alone.
So, a few things I want to air before I start. A brief history of me...
I am a single grandmother. I have been single most of my life. I raised two kids as a single mom and worked most of my adult life. I didn't graduate from high school but opted for my GED. I never finished college but completed most of an AA degree over the course of many - and I mean many - years. I was something in my younger years. Not always something to be proud of but I have grown since - hopefully wiser. And I give all the credit to who I am today primarily to my God and Father, Jehovah, because He saw fit to pull me out of a dark place. Yes, I am a Witness and I am proud to be one. And, that exposes me to ridicule and slander and all sorts of mean things. So, if I turn comments off, it's because I decided to make my thoughts public but not to make my public endure negativity. I hope that if anyone ever reads these pages, they feel safe. Take what I write as entertainment. Agree, disagree, find some solace in it, find some absurdity. But, be respectful. We all struggle in one way or another.
These blogs will be free-form. I'll correct errors. I'll try to stay on point. But, what I write a dump from my head. Sometimes it's going to be messy. Sometimes it will be long. If I can get out one sentence, I've accomplished something. But, I'll try to stay consistent.
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